I wish I could say it was far from the truth, or even just a little bit off...
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Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Public Restrooms, A Discourse
The thoughts and feelings on public restrooms are varied and intense. Sometimes I love to use a public restroom, and sometimes I dread the thought of dropping a loaf in public. Having recently used the restroom at school for a good pooping--I was contemplating the finer points of public restrooms. On one hand, when I was working and being paid by the hour pooping at work was one of the finest imaginable pass-times. Just think for a second, it is the only time in your life you will be paid to poop. I technically get paid by the hour to work at the university but since my school work and work work are so tied together it doesn't ever seem like I am working. That and the obvious feature of not having a set schedule. So today was not a glorious pay-to-poop opportunity for me.
When I sat down today I was horrified by a warm toilet seat. At home, it is quite pleasant to find that my cat has been sleeping on the toilet, providing a warm place for my bottom. In a public setting however I was horrified at the thought of another man's ass-heat permeating my body. I could feel it crawling into me like an uninvited house guest telling you their plane was delayed for a day. After the ass-heat was swapped for my own--much more comfortable--bubble of ass-heat I unclenched a bit and started to wonder how other people feel about the bathroom. What did the last person think while they were here? Did they read something? What is the etiquette of using a public restroom? Are there unspoken rules about the time you can spend inside of a stall? Who is Sally, and why is she such a good time?
How is etiquette different for men and women? For men we enter a restroom and we have a very important choice before us. Should we use the urinal, or a stall. Obviously if the bathroom use is for number two the choice is elementary. If there is one urinal open with two people flanking, should you use this urinal or a stall? Which urinal do you use if you walk in and no-one is there? I personally find that whenever I am in a multiple urinal situation with no-one in the restroom with me I have a desire to run up and down the line and use all the urinals at the same time. I don't profess to be normal though, so I wouldn't recommend it (plus if you slip and fall while peeing you get all sorts of wet). Oh, and don't even get me started on those troughs. I mean how far apart do you stand from a man you don't know while peeing into a communal bucket??? Can you play swords or Ghostbusters with someone you don't know? How would you even bring that up? "Hey, want to play swords?" What if you are drunk and at the bar, it is okay to play swords then?
Outside of etiquette for selection of stall or urinal, what about those giant rolls of toilet paper. I swear those things have more fiber than a sheet of plywood. No joke, at my old workplace they got toilet paper so cheap it gave me a splinter once. I started to bring my own TP to work. It even got to the point that other people know about this hidden and soft TP; it became a myth and people started asking me to use "the soft stuff." It is strange to know the bathroom habits of all your co-workers. I wasn't as nerdy then as I am now, because today if that happened I would keep track of it in SPSS and make a regression and attempt to predict future bathroom behavior based on past bathroom behavior. You know maybe I will go do that right now, but first I need to go check and see if that seat is still warm.
When I sat down today I was horrified by a warm toilet seat. At home, it is quite pleasant to find that my cat has been sleeping on the toilet, providing a warm place for my bottom. In a public setting however I was horrified at the thought of another man's ass-heat permeating my body. I could feel it crawling into me like an uninvited house guest telling you their plane was delayed for a day. After the ass-heat was swapped for my own--much more comfortable--bubble of ass-heat I unclenched a bit and started to wonder how other people feel about the bathroom. What did the last person think while they were here? Did they read something? What is the etiquette of using a public restroom? Are there unspoken rules about the time you can spend inside of a stall? Who is Sally, and why is she such a good time?
How is etiquette different for men and women? For men we enter a restroom and we have a very important choice before us. Should we use the urinal, or a stall. Obviously if the bathroom use is for number two the choice is elementary. If there is one urinal open with two people flanking, should you use this urinal or a stall? Which urinal do you use if you walk in and no-one is there? I personally find that whenever I am in a multiple urinal situation with no-one in the restroom with me I have a desire to run up and down the line and use all the urinals at the same time. I don't profess to be normal though, so I wouldn't recommend it (plus if you slip and fall while peeing you get all sorts of wet). Oh, and don't even get me started on those troughs. I mean how far apart do you stand from a man you don't know while peeing into a communal bucket??? Can you play swords or Ghostbusters with someone you don't know? How would you even bring that up? "Hey, want to play swords?" What if you are drunk and at the bar, it is okay to play swords then?
Outside of etiquette for selection of stall or urinal, what about those giant rolls of toilet paper. I swear those things have more fiber than a sheet of plywood. No joke, at my old workplace they got toilet paper so cheap it gave me a splinter once. I started to bring my own TP to work. It even got to the point that other people know about this hidden and soft TP; it became a myth and people started asking me to use "the soft stuff." It is strange to know the bathroom habits of all your co-workers. I wasn't as nerdy then as I am now, because today if that happened I would keep track of it in SPSS and make a regression and attempt to predict future bathroom behavior based on past bathroom behavior. You know maybe I will go do that right now, but first I need to go check and see if that seat is still warm.
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