Dear people at the grocery store,
I am glad you have tasty snacks prepared for my enjoyment. If I was dying to try 1/4 of a frozen ravioli that had been microwaved in a small paper cup, I am sure I could manage that feat at home. I am after all in a grocery store, and not in the beer isle, so there is a high probability I can at least microwave things. The first time I walked by and said no thank you, I thought you would understand. The second time (I forgot butter) your insistence was annoying. The third time (what? I can cook not remember everything) I knew you recognized me from the knowing look in your eyes, but you asked me once again. I would like to let you in on a little secret. When I am shopping by myself, and I am wearing headphones (nice expensive noise canceling headphones), this is not an invitation to talk louder. Nor is it an invitation to wave your arms about like a loony (although I kind of liked that). Lastly, it is certainly not my way of saying "get in my way so I have to pay attention to you." Why, oh why, would you do that?
Since I am at it, people who shop with kids, I don't like them. In an effort to help you understand how annoying your kids are to other people I would like to have you perform a small experiment. Take your fire alarm, and tape or glue the test button in the "on" position. Now while that siren is going off just start punching yourself in the face. That is what your children are like to the rest of us. This doesn't even have to apply to the grocery store alone. Anywhere you are--with your kids--remember the face punching and keep them out of my way or I may be forced to microwave them and serve them to other customers in small paper cups.
Sincerely,
Scott
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Why are there directions?
If you are too stupid to use the paper ass gaskets without pictorial directions I propose you may be too stupid to avoid pooping yourself on a regular basis.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Amazon sad
This morning I went to Amazon.com to buy a book and was shocked to see it on my recommended list. Then I realized all my recommended readings are statistics texts and psychometrics texts...
I am deeply happy and shamed...
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Porn Statistics!
I love it when people combine my two favorite things; Statistics and Internet Videos...
Porn Statistics!
Porn Statistics!
Posting from the bathroom AKA why internet on a phone rocks
It has been nearly a month since I got the internet on my phone and let me say wow I am loving this. For example I am not only on the internet posting a blog but also in the bathroom. Yesterday I uploaded some torrents to my homebox while shopping...
Where does the craziness end? why d035 my ph0n3 h4v3 4n 4U70m47Ic 133r 5133k 8U770n?
With the power of my phone I plan on actually updating this blog....
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Battlestar Galactica (read you sci-fi haters!)
I just watched the end of Battlestar Galactica (BSG). For those of you that are unaware BSG is a sci-fi show on the sci-fi channel (or is that syfy now?) Anyway, the show breaks almost every pre-concieved notion of "sci-fi." There are no monsters. And there are no aliens. The show is simply about humanity and humanities hubris. The basic plot is that humans technological innovation leads to the creation of robots. The need for more and more complex tasks leads to more and more complex robots. Eventually, the robots rebel and call themselves Cylons. A thousand years after the initial rebellion and subsequent stalemate the Cylons come back and simply wipe out humanity. A few thousand survivors flee through space desperately attempting to stave off extinction.
One of the draws of BSG for me is simply that the show isn't about the robots, or the spaceships, those just happen to be around. The real show is about the people. Who are these people, why do they survive, where are they going? Most of the series revolves around the political intrigues of having a few thousand humans stuffed together in cramped quarters and running for their lives. Fear and doubt lead to riots, Coup d'état, McCartyistic finger pointing, cults, religious persecution, and near genocide on dozens of occasions. Through it all you follow these select few personalities. I have never loved any television or movie character as much as I have loved the BSG characters. They all profoundly change as the series progresses. They are all grey and dirty. They all make mistakes. And they are all distinctly human.
I guess my point here is to say, throw away those notions of Star trek and Star wars. Ignore the idea that sci-fi is goofy rubber suits and terrible lines. Forget that so much sci-fi is corny, hokey, and frankly bad. I love the genre of sci-fi and I feel that I can proudly state that I have watched a LOT of bad tv in my day. More proudly I can say that BSG is incredible. I can easily say that BSG is the best DRAMA to ever be broadcast to your television. By simply saying "it is sci-fi, no thanks" you are simply missing out on something wonderful. The way the series ended had me laughing, and crying. I know that I will miss seeing these characters once a week--and I will miss pretending, for just a hour, that I am one of them.
One of the draws of BSG for me is simply that the show isn't about the robots, or the spaceships, those just happen to be around. The real show is about the people. Who are these people, why do they survive, where are they going? Most of the series revolves around the political intrigues of having a few thousand humans stuffed together in cramped quarters and running for their lives. Fear and doubt lead to riots, Coup d'état, McCartyistic finger pointing, cults, religious persecution, and near genocide on dozens of occasions. Through it all you follow these select few personalities. I have never loved any television or movie character as much as I have loved the BSG characters. They all profoundly change as the series progresses. They are all grey and dirty. They all make mistakes. And they are all distinctly human.
I guess my point here is to say, throw away those notions of Star trek and Star wars. Ignore the idea that sci-fi is goofy rubber suits and terrible lines. Forget that so much sci-fi is corny, hokey, and frankly bad. I love the genre of sci-fi and I feel that I can proudly state that I have watched a LOT of bad tv in my day. More proudly I can say that BSG is incredible. I can easily say that BSG is the best DRAMA to ever be broadcast to your television. By simply saying "it is sci-fi, no thanks" you are simply missing out on something wonderful. The way the series ended had me laughing, and crying. I know that I will miss seeing these characters once a week--and I will miss pretending, for just a hour, that I am one of them.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Graduate Life
I wish I could say it was far from the truth, or even just a little bit off...
calvin_hobbes_thesis.jpg (JPEG Image, 380x236 pixels)
calvin_hobbes_thesis.jpg (JPEG Image, 380x236 pixels)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Public Restrooms, A Discourse
The thoughts and feelings on public restrooms are varied and intense. Sometimes I love to use a public restroom, and sometimes I dread the thought of dropping a loaf in public. Having recently used the restroom at school for a good pooping--I was contemplating the finer points of public restrooms. On one hand, when I was working and being paid by the hour pooping at work was one of the finest imaginable pass-times. Just think for a second, it is the only time in your life you will be paid to poop. I technically get paid by the hour to work at the university but since my school work and work work are so tied together it doesn't ever seem like I am working. That and the obvious feature of not having a set schedule. So today was not a glorious pay-to-poop opportunity for me.
When I sat down today I was horrified by a warm toilet seat. At home, it is quite pleasant to find that my cat has been sleeping on the toilet, providing a warm place for my bottom. In a public setting however I was horrified at the thought of another man's ass-heat permeating my body. I could feel it crawling into me like an uninvited house guest telling you their plane was delayed for a day. After the ass-heat was swapped for my own--much more comfortable--bubble of ass-heat I unclenched a bit and started to wonder how other people feel about the bathroom. What did the last person think while they were here? Did they read something? What is the etiquette of using a public restroom? Are there unspoken rules about the time you can spend inside of a stall? Who is Sally, and why is she such a good time?
How is etiquette different for men and women? For men we enter a restroom and we have a very important choice before us. Should we use the urinal, or a stall. Obviously if the bathroom use is for number two the choice is elementary. If there is one urinal open with two people flanking, should you use this urinal or a stall? Which urinal do you use if you walk in and no-one is there? I personally find that whenever I am in a multiple urinal situation with no-one in the restroom with me I have a desire to run up and down the line and use all the urinals at the same time. I don't profess to be normal though, so I wouldn't recommend it (plus if you slip and fall while peeing you get all sorts of wet). Oh, and don't even get me started on those troughs. I mean how far apart do you stand from a man you don't know while peeing into a communal bucket??? Can you play swords or Ghostbusters with someone you don't know? How would you even bring that up? "Hey, want to play swords?" What if you are drunk and at the bar, it is okay to play swords then?
Outside of etiquette for selection of stall or urinal, what about those giant rolls of toilet paper. I swear those things have more fiber than a sheet of plywood. No joke, at my old workplace they got toilet paper so cheap it gave me a splinter once. I started to bring my own TP to work. It even got to the point that other people know about this hidden and soft TP; it became a myth and people started asking me to use "the soft stuff." It is strange to know the bathroom habits of all your co-workers. I wasn't as nerdy then as I am now, because today if that happened I would keep track of it in SPSS and make a regression and attempt to predict future bathroom behavior based on past bathroom behavior. You know maybe I will go do that right now, but first I need to go check and see if that seat is still warm.
When I sat down today I was horrified by a warm toilet seat. At home, it is quite pleasant to find that my cat has been sleeping on the toilet, providing a warm place for my bottom. In a public setting however I was horrified at the thought of another man's ass-heat permeating my body. I could feel it crawling into me like an uninvited house guest telling you their plane was delayed for a day. After the ass-heat was swapped for my own--much more comfortable--bubble of ass-heat I unclenched a bit and started to wonder how other people feel about the bathroom. What did the last person think while they were here? Did they read something? What is the etiquette of using a public restroom? Are there unspoken rules about the time you can spend inside of a stall? Who is Sally, and why is she such a good time?
How is etiquette different for men and women? For men we enter a restroom and we have a very important choice before us. Should we use the urinal, or a stall. Obviously if the bathroom use is for number two the choice is elementary. If there is one urinal open with two people flanking, should you use this urinal or a stall? Which urinal do you use if you walk in and no-one is there? I personally find that whenever I am in a multiple urinal situation with no-one in the restroom with me I have a desire to run up and down the line and use all the urinals at the same time. I don't profess to be normal though, so I wouldn't recommend it (plus if you slip and fall while peeing you get all sorts of wet). Oh, and don't even get me started on those troughs. I mean how far apart do you stand from a man you don't know while peeing into a communal bucket??? Can you play swords or Ghostbusters with someone you don't know? How would you even bring that up? "Hey, want to play swords?" What if you are drunk and at the bar, it is okay to play swords then?
Outside of etiquette for selection of stall or urinal, what about those giant rolls of toilet paper. I swear those things have more fiber than a sheet of plywood. No joke, at my old workplace they got toilet paper so cheap it gave me a splinter once. I started to bring my own TP to work. It even got to the point that other people know about this hidden and soft TP; it became a myth and people started asking me to use "the soft stuff." It is strange to know the bathroom habits of all your co-workers. I wasn't as nerdy then as I am now, because today if that happened I would keep track of it in SPSS and make a regression and attempt to predict future bathroom behavior based on past bathroom behavior. You know maybe I will go do that right now, but first I need to go check and see if that seat is still warm.
Monday, January 5, 2009
General Tso's Chicken
After a failed attempt to eat Chinese food--or at least the closest approximation you can get around here--I decided to hit the kitchen and make my favorite fake Chinese dish, General Tso's Chicken.
First up we need to take the chicken and get it ready for the eating. To do this we are going to need a good breading. In the past I have always used flour and salt in a bag, but for this dish I wanted to step it up a notch.
We start out by taking two or three breasts of chicken and cutting it up into nice bite sized chunks of awesome.
Next we take eggs and cornstarch and mix them together. I used two eggs and about a 1/4 of a cup of cornstarch. Add some salt and pepper to taste.
Your mix should be something around the consistency of snot at this point. Then pour the gooie egg snot over the top of all your chicken and mix it up nice. Take this plate of food and set it aside for around 15-20 minutes or so until it gets thick and sticks to the chicken.
While you are waiting for the stuff to stick to the chicken get the rest of the dish prepared. Start out by chopping up some peppers. At the time of writing I only had green pepper types, but red peppers will make your dish look and taste a bit more like a restaurants.
In addition to the peppers you will need to make the sauce. I put in around 1/3 cup soy sauce, 6 cloves minced garlic, 2 tablespoons sugar, 2 tablespoons vinegar, 1/4 cup hoisin sauce, and 1 tablespoon wine. I used generic hoisin sauce that I bought at the grocery store.
Now that you have chicken, sauce, and peppers you are almost ready to add a whole lot of grease to the mix.
Take a plate and put a few cups of cornstarch on it. Then take your chicken, make sure it is covered in egg sauce, then roll it around in the cornstarch until it is covered.
Next, grab a nice deep pan, or wok and add oil. I used vegetable oil but peanut oil would be better. I just poured it in until it got about an inch deep, basically you want it to cover around half of a piece of chicken. Then put the chicken in the pan, one piece at a time, until the pan is full. You don't want the chicken to be touching or it will stick together.
When the chicken starts to brown on one side flip it over.
After it gets brown on both sides take the chicken out of the pan and let it drain on paper towels.
Your chicken should look (and taste) almost exactly like chicken nuggets.
Pour the grease out of the pan, but leave just a bit left on the bottom. Throw in all the sauce and chilies and stir it up nice.
Just keep stirring the sauce until it turns into a glaze-like consistency. Once the sauce is ready put the chicken into the pan and stir it until the sauce is evenly coated on the chicken.
Cutting up some green onions then putting them into the sauce just at the end here would be a nice touch, but I didn't have any...
Serve with some rice and broccoli for a fantastic meal!
First up we need to take the chicken and get it ready for the eating. To do this we are going to need a good breading. In the past I have always used flour and salt in a bag, but for this dish I wanted to step it up a notch.
We start out by taking two or three breasts of chicken and cutting it up into nice bite sized chunks of awesome.
Next we take eggs and cornstarch and mix them together. I used two eggs and about a 1/4 of a cup of cornstarch. Add some salt and pepper to taste.
Your mix should be something around the consistency of snot at this point. Then pour the gooie egg snot over the top of all your chicken and mix it up nice. Take this plate of food and set it aside for around 15-20 minutes or so until it gets thick and sticks to the chicken.
While you are waiting for the stuff to stick to the chicken get the rest of the dish prepared. Start out by chopping up some peppers. At the time of writing I only had green pepper types, but red peppers will make your dish look and taste a bit more like a restaurants.
In addition to the peppers you will need to make the sauce. I put in around 1/3 cup soy sauce, 6 cloves minced garlic, 2 tablespoons sugar, 2 tablespoons vinegar, 1/4 cup hoisin sauce, and 1 tablespoon wine. I used generic hoisin sauce that I bought at the grocery store.
Now that you have chicken, sauce, and peppers you are almost ready to add a whole lot of grease to the mix.
Take a plate and put a few cups of cornstarch on it. Then take your chicken, make sure it is covered in egg sauce, then roll it around in the cornstarch until it is covered.
Next, grab a nice deep pan, or wok and add oil. I used vegetable oil but peanut oil would be better. I just poured it in until it got about an inch deep, basically you want it to cover around half of a piece of chicken. Then put the chicken in the pan, one piece at a time, until the pan is full. You don't want the chicken to be touching or it will stick together.
When the chicken starts to brown on one side flip it over.
After it gets brown on both sides take the chicken out of the pan and let it drain on paper towels.
Your chicken should look (and taste) almost exactly like chicken nuggets.
Pour the grease out of the pan, but leave just a bit left on the bottom. Throw in all the sauce and chilies and stir it up nice.
Just keep stirring the sauce until it turns into a glaze-like consistency. Once the sauce is ready put the chicken into the pan and stir it until the sauce is evenly coated on the chicken.
Cutting up some green onions then putting them into the sauce just at the end here would be a nice touch, but I didn't have any...
Serve with some rice and broccoli for a fantastic meal!
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