Open Letter to People at the Grocery Store

Dear people at the grocery store,

I am glad you have tasty snacks prepared for my enjoyment. If I was dying to try 1/4 of a frozen ravioli that had been microwaved in a small paper cup, I am sure I could manage that feat at home. I am after all in a grocery store, and not in the beer isle, so there is a high probability I can at least microwave things. The first time I walked by and said no thank you, I thought you would understand. The second time (I forgot butter) your insistence was annoying. The third time (what? I can cook not remember everything) I knew you recognized me from the knowing look in your eyes, but you asked me once again. I would like to let you in on a little secret. When I am shopping by myself, and I am wearing headphones (nice expensive noise canceling headphones), this is not an invitation to talk louder. Nor is it an invitation to wave your arms about like a loony (although I kind of liked that). Lastly, it is certainly not my way of saying "get in my way so I have to pay attention to you." Why, oh why, would you do that?

Since I am at it, people who shop with kids, I don't like them. In an effort to help you understand how annoying your kids are to other people I would like to have you perform a small experiment. Take your fire alarm, and tape or glue the test button in the "on" position. Now while that siren is going off just start punching yourself in the face. That is what your children are like to the rest of us. This doesn't even have to apply to the grocery store alone. Anywhere you are--with your kids--remember the face punching and keep them out of my way or I may be forced to microwave them and serve them to other customers in small paper cups.

Sincerely,
Scott